I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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