i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sober January is a disaster.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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