and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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