ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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