I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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