I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize