i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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