Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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