No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
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I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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