My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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