Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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