cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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