It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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