i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
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I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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