Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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