I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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