Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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