capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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