She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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