hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
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definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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