Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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