??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
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i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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