I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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