Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
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You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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