the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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