She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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