I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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