Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize