I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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