Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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