My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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