I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize