One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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