so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
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You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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