when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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