Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize