You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
