Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize