My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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