having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
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i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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