I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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