I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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