have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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