I think i sorta joined a cult last night
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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