He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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