checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
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I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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