i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
