I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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