true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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