So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
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Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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